I wish I wasn't writing this post, but I at this point, I think I have to. I'm not sure if it's the change of seasons or what, but my emotions are getting the better of me lately. This means I've become increasingly listless, depressed, and am feeling generally heartbroken. There are a few things that actually are going okay for me right now, but in my current state, I just can't imagine anything good connected with my life. It's the weekend before Halloween, and there are probably all sorts of fun parties and things going on in town right now, but I just didn't feel like going out tonight. I don't even have a real reason not to either, which bothers me the most. I had the day off work, and I should have been having fun, or at least doing something, but for some reason, I ended up like this.
I was talking to one of my network of confidantes the other day, and I admitted that I still miss Alex. I might have said I was over her at some point, but the fact is that I'm not. I found her at what was then one of the worst times in my life, and she helped me recover from Three Point One's rejection in the most wonderful way. But...you know the rest of that story.
It's not even that I want a relationship with her anymore. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's not going to happen. It's just that I thought Alex was one of those really special people in my life, the kind of person you could tell almost anything, good or bad, and they would still be your friend. At one point, I thought almost as much of her as I do Number One. I guess I opened myself up to her more than I should have. I feel stupid for having told her so many personal, emotional things about myself. Maybe it's better that we're not in contact anymore, but it bothers me that we can't be friends.
It seems like every time things look like they'll get better, life decides to punch me in the gut again. I feel almost like I should give up because these things weren't meant for me. The hell of it is, love is all I've ever wanted, but it doesn't seem to want me.
I don't know if I'll keep this post here or delete it, but for whoever might read this, I could use some words of encouragement at the moment.
Please consider this metaphor: you can't find your keys. You get a little worried, then frantic. You search your house high and low, tearing up couch cushions, digging through closets, looking anywhere you can to find your missing keys. You invest so much time and energy looking in the most obscure places that you miss the important truth: they've been sitting on the counter the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI like to think love works the same way. You can try to find it, but love won't come to you until the time is right. So don't feel impatient - smile, breathe, laugh, and appreciate each day as well as all of your wonderful qualities. And when that lady strolls into your life you both will be very lucky.
Much love, bud.
~SP
One of my friends sent me the link to this post telling me that this sounded sort of like my situation.
ReplyDeleteAnd I for one must agree, it does. I am in a similar situation where i opened up to my number four and thought the world of him. To me he was like that one person I could tell anything to and he wouldn't judge me. He also came into my life in a time where I was still getting over someone else...
Point is that I kept thinking love wasn't for me and that's all i really wanted, but to be fair it just wasn't the right time.
I know this quote might not apply to much, but I truly believe it:
"Its not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christs sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if you are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what...when you least expect it something great might come along. Something better than you even planned for." -Irving Feffer
head up! know you're not the only one going through this.
H
@Shane - I think someone else (possibly Number One) told me something like this once, but I somehow forgot about it.
ReplyDelete@French Bean & Coffee Bean - It's nice to know that someone else out there can relate to my life so closely. I probably won't ever give up all hope, it's just that some days are tougher than others. I'm sure you understand.
Trust me I understand completely. I have my good days and then my bad days. I'm still not giving up hope even with everything that has happened.
ReplyDeleteH
Love is definitely not for the weak of heart - I don't think you can even attempt to find love without experiencing rejection and heartbreak. I realize that doesn't make it any easier, but you're definitely not the only one. You're a great guy who has a lot going for you, and somewhere in this world (maybe even right under your nose), is a lady who's waiting and longing for you the same way you are for her. :-)
ReplyDelete