First of all, if you're just joining us, I would suggest you read the previous episodes in this series, otherwise this post will have very little effect/meaning.
As it turned out, it was a good day to need something to do. I met up with one of my friends, and we headed to another friend's apartment, where he was having a small party to celebrate Lebowski Fest. So, as the custom dictated, we all got together, mixed up some white Russians, and had a good time. It was nice to be among friends. I told them my story, and they gave me some good advice and support. But more importantly, they made me laugh and helped me to realize that things often get better, even when it feels like they won't.
After that, one of my friends helped me out and said I could stay at his place for the night. We walked back to his place with another friend that night, and talked some more. Eventually, after some persuasion, they convinced me to join them at a local bar for a quick last drink before last call. Sadly, there were no young, attractive women at the bar as I had hoped, but it was still good to be with friends. Unfortunately, beer and I don't always get along, and the tall can I was given proved to be a little too much for my system. I finished about half of it before my stomach reacted. Thankfully, I didn't make a mess of the place, and kept myself relatively cool about it. After that, there was some more talk and advice-giving, and then we finally crashed for the night.
Unfortunately, traffic noise once again woke me up early, and sleeping again was impossible. My friend was peacefully asleep in his own room, so I was left alone with my thoughts. This was where the walls started to close in, and I went into isolation mode. I paced around a lot, and tried to forget about the horrible situation of the previous morning. Time slowed to a crawl, and I felt as though I was losing my grip on things. I had a very strong desire to call Number Three, but I realized that would have been a terrible idea, so I didn't. After a few hours of this, my friend finally awoke, and we went out for an excellent brunch at a local cafe.
After that, I was given some directions to the nearest subway station, and I went for a bit of a walk. As I walked I did more thinking, possibly to the point of overthinking. Nothing I though about truly changed anything. It was mostly a process of going over things that I'd known all along. I though of both things about myself, and the relationship. Almost from the beginning, I had known that we weren't perfect for each other, and I'd been honest with her about that. Sometimes I wonder if I was too honest, and if that affected how things went, even though Number Three seemed okay with all I had to say. In the end, the two of us were very different people. We probably would have had trouble in the long term, so perhaps it's best that it ended the way it did.
Number Three is always going to have a very special place in my heart, in spite of how things went. I don't want to speak for Number Three, but I think this is what both of us were doing. For me, I suppose I was trying to fit her into a place that she didn't belong in. I think a lot of that has to do with how that spot has been empty for so long. I've tried to fill it, but nobody ever seems to fit just right. Someday, I think I'll find the one who fits perfectly. It may take a long time, but I think I'll find her in the end.
Very touching conclusion to your series. Bittersweet, poignant, with a lesson learned. You sound like you have very wonderful friends who are there for you when they are needed...and I have no doubt that it goes vice versa.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, you shouldn't feel as though you were too honest. With relationships you really need an extremely high degree of honesty. If you had both told little white fibs, hid the truth, or lied to each other and yourselves...yes, perhaps it would have lasted longer. But then what would have happened? The walls would eventually still come crashing down, and the aftershocks would have been much worse. And you would have wasted time...time you could have spent pursuing your true love.
Being honest with yourself, and admitting that someone may not be right for you, is one of the hardest things you can ever do. I empathize - I have had many experiences in which I tried to make a square peg fit into a round hole (not a sexual innuendo). It's difficult to admit that although you love someone they may not be right for you.
But you've done the right thing. Kudos, good sir.
~SP