As I hinted at in my previous post, the next morning was then things got strange. Because of the unfamiliar noise of the city, I was awake quite early. I attempted to go back to sleep, but it was no use. I was content to lie back and watch Number Three sleep for a while, (hopefully that doesn't sound horribly creepy) but I soon tired of that, and got dressed and paced around her apartment for a while. Every once in a while, I would return to her bedroom to check on her. I'm not entirely sure why I did this, but that's what happened. I later learned that me coming back into the room and sitting on the edge of the bed was actually disturbing her sleep, so I feel a little dumb for doing it now.
Eventually, Number Three woke up, and that was when the real strangeness started. Things were completely different from the previous day, and we spent much of the morning/afternoon mutually ignoring each other. I knew that Number Three was stressed out from various situations in her life, and I wanted to comfort her with hugs and so on, but she wouldn't let me touch her, and said she wanted some space. This was when I realized things were somehow going wrong.
The day before, in transit, Number Three had mentioned some vague feelings of not having a connection to me, but I thought those feelings had passed. As it turned out, they had probably increased. After a while, I brought up the subject if I could still stay with her. After all, I had planned to be there for a few days, and I didn't have a real backup plan. Number Three told me that she really didn't think me staying any longer was a good idea, and that the whole relationship thing was probably a bad idea. I spent the next few hours trying to get a handle on this awful situation. I was alternately trying to keep it together and going to pieces. In truth, the end of the relationship was a scenario that I somewhat expected to happen, but I think it was just the way it happened that affected me so strongly. For what it's worth, Number Three listened, and tried to comfort me somewhat, although the damage had already been done.
Eventually, I realized that I needed a new plan, so I called up a friend. Luckily, he was attending a party that night with some other mutual friends, and he invited me to join them. Being with friends was what I needed at the time, plus someone was bound to help me find a place to stay that night.
After this, Number Three and I had dinner, and played a few geeky card games. We had fun, and it was at this time that I realized that although I enjoyed what we had in a relationship, (such as it was) it was far easier to just be friends.
After dinner, Number Three walked me to the subway. We spoke a few small, secret words, and kissed, and I hugged her tightly, with a few tears in my eyes, still not quite ready for things to be over. As the subway train left the station, I watched out the window for a last glimpse of her, hoping she would be looking back at me as I left. I saw her, but she didn't see me.
Next time: The Final Episode!
I've been following your blog for a while now, and this post really struck a chord for me. At the beginning of my most recent relationship, I told a friend, "I think this one could really break my heart." And ultimately, he did. No matter what the circumstances - or how much we're anticipating it - the end of a relationship is never easy. I hope you find the peace you need to move forward :-)
ReplyDeleteHey. Just stumbled across your Blog. Good read.
ReplyDeleteThis post is something I can really relate to, having gone through a similar breakup. I can offer little in terms of advise but looking forward to the final episode.
Wow, Dave. This is beautifully written and so very poetic. Although we can't know exactly what you are feeling your writing makes it so easy to put ourselves in your shoes. And I really appreciate your honesty, the way you have fearlessly shared this story with us.
ReplyDeleteYou love. The feelings are there. And yet, for some reason it feels off. Maybe the chemistry is lacking. Maybe one or both of you are afraid of the possible consequences. Or maybe the two of you just aren't ready to take this journey together. All of these could be playing a role in the awkwardness that followed after your night together. I suspect you may already have some idea of why it isn't working out.
Being in relationship limbo is the most difficult part of dealing with the opposite sex. If you can commit to a relationship, wonderful. If you can stay platonic friends, wonderful. That middle ground? It's such sweet torture. I know what it's like to be very good friends with someone who you share an attraction with, but every attempt at dating just seems to fizzle out. The only way I could handle the situation was to cut her out of my life...and even now, in my moments of weakness, I find myself wishing that we could stay in touch because not much can replace that type of friendship. (Not the person mentioned in my most recent entry, btw).
And the image of you looking out at her from the window of the subway is truly poignant. Like a scene from a movie...one which ends with a kiss, but maybe not the happily-ever-after the characters (and the audience) so deeply desire.
I am very interested to see how this story ends.
Be well, friend.
~SP