Remember how I said I was doing okay? Well, I'm not quite so sure anymore. Part of this whole 'sorting myself out' thing means that I need to cut out at least some of the BS in my life and be honest, so that's what this post is all about.
While I'm done with blaming myself for things that have happened in the past, there are still people I miss. The big one right now is Alex. I can't help thinking that my time with her (such as it was) was about the last time anything really made sense in my life. It was the last time things felt right to me, and since then I've been searching for that someone who makes me feel the same way. There have been times I've seriously struggled with the idea of trying to contact Alex again, but then I realize that it would only lead to more sadness, because that time has passed now.
In short, I have a lot of feelings I don't know what to do with right now, and it's getting very frustrating for me. I realize I could just be chasing the magic solution once again, but there's really nothing else I can come up with. Coming home from work to an empty apartment is saddening to me, and I want to do something about it, but I just can't seem to get it right.
If I may offer some advice? You don't need me to tell you this, but don't go back to Alex. In the absence of a current lover, it's easy to fall back into the arms of a past love. I know, I've done it once or twice or...well, a lot. But as you already stated, it's a path that only leads to further heartbreak.
ReplyDeleteComing home to an empty apartment is hard. The silence can be suffocating. I've felt that quite often in the last 2 years (Ramona was a fairly recent development, after all). That kind of quiet will suck you in and hold you captive. I don't know how much activity you have in your area, but I suggest going out more often. Take walks. Catch a movie. Exercise. Visit a museum. Do anything that gets you out of the apartment and into the world. You never know where you will meet your one and only, but she probably isn't in your past and she definitely isn't hiding behind your couch.
~Shane
You are always going to miss people you once shared something with, regardless of how things ended or how they hurt you.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same position with a few ex-friends. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I found, writing a final letter to them, expressing everything I felt about what happened, what they did, how I'm feeling now, helped. It didn't fully remove it, but it made it easier to let go. There are still moments I'm caught and I think of doing something stupid, like grovelling. But then I remember I'm better than that, and I deserve more than that.
Coming home to be alone sucks -- but I agree with Shane here, you need to get out and do things. Go do the things you've always enjoyed.
When Jade and I broke up, at first, I didn't know what to do. He had been my only friend for a year. And then I decided that I needed to start living for myself. I did things I've never done -- I went to the movies on my own, I did a spa day, I even went to concerts by myself and spent a day at Wonderland by my onesie -- and I had a BLAST. I didn't go intent on having to meet someone, or impress anyone. I went to do just what I wanted to do. I danced like no-one was watching, because really, who cared if they were? I was there for me, not them.
The more I started to do that, the more confident I became. It's all about learning how to make yourself happy first. How to enjoy time with you. :)
Volunteer...Habitat for Humanity? Boys and Girls Clubs?
ReplyDeleteAs Shane said, we tend to reminisce when we're lonely and it's important to remember that reminiscing is the past. I've done similar. It's not good.
ReplyDeleteA room-mate may resolve the empty flat issue?
While having a room-mate probably would help, I only have a bachelor apartment, so there's really only enough space for me.
DeleteAnd yeah, I know constantly hanging on to the past isn't good. It's hard, but I'm trying to work on it.
What Tabitha said is spot on, I'd suggest you take heed to her words. Get out there, do stuff! Have fun just being you. How can expect someone else to enjoy your company if you yourself struggle to enjoy your own company?
ReplyDeleteI'm currently running a 'Living It Up While I Still Can' series on my blog, where I am trying to do as many fun activities with friends and family as I possibly can before I leave for overseas, stuff like BBQ's, swing dance lessons, surf lessons. Maybe you could try your own 'living it up' series, with the end of March being your deadline. In the next two months just try and do as much fun stuff as you can with the idea that it is now or never.