Whitewash and Greasepaint

She's no angel
And he's no saint
We're all covered up with
Whitewash and greasepaint
- Elvis Costello

The past weekend has been interesting, to say the least.  I've had to make some difficult decisions, and I'm still not completely sure I've done the right thing, but it's done now, and I've got to follow through.
A few fun events were done on Saturday (I'll talk about these in another post), and on Sunday, I went out with Hat Girl for lunch.  While it was originally meant to make up for cancelling our date (see my last post), I decided it was just better to treat things like a date anyway.  It went pretty well.  Hat Girl is surprisingly talkative, and I learned a lot about her family and pets, and all sorts of other things to do with her life.  I was mostly listening, but I must have put out a thing or two about my life as well.  After that I accompanied her to do some very early Christmas shopping, and then we spent a little time at my place just talking.  About half the time I was fighting my hormones for control, but eventually, we did hug and kiss a little, which was enough to be satisfying, and kept me out of trouble.
The hard part came after that.  I had to tell Little Red about what I'd decided, and she didn't take the news well at all.  Of course, there's never really a good way to tell anyone that sort of thing.  It's a bit more complicated when your relationship was never 'official' though.  I've never had to do anything like this before, and it really sucked.  I don't really care to talk about the details, but a lot of hurtful things (some true, some exaggerated) were said, and I still feel bad about how things went.   Despite my actions, I never intended to hurt Little Red, and I hope she'll forgive me for this some day.  The two of us got along well, and I saw a future with her, but we didn't agree on the relationship front.  Ultimately, it came down to me having to break a cycle that just wasn't helping anything.  While we did communicate almost daily (not having this will probably be the hardest thing to adjust to), I always felt like I was putting more into the relationship than she did.  It hurts to say you love someone, and never to be told you're loved in return, and that's a big part of why I did what I did.
Later that evening, Hat Girl and I talked on Facebook.  I learned something about her past, which I won't share here, but it helped me to understand a lot about some of her behaviour, and why honesty is very important to her and her family.  Initially, I didn't tell her the whole truth about Little Red, but I made up for it by telling her everything that evening, adult times and all.  It made me feel like a bit of a creep, but even after that, she still told me she loved me.  I didn't deserve it, but she said it anyway, and it meant the world to me.  That small gesture is something that I never heard in all of my time with Little Red, and it's a big part of why I think this could work so much better.
I'm still feeling like a jerk, and I feel awful that I had to break Little Red's heart, but I think Hat Girl is who I need in my life right now, and it seems that she's already better for me than Little Red was.