Yesterday was the first day of my life as a 28 year old. It's almost hard to believe it was only yesterday, because so many things happened, and in a way, my mind is still catching up to it all.
First, a little background on Rose: as I mentioned before, she is very religious. She wasn't always like this, and was actually 'badly behaved' for some years. When she hit bottom, she rediscovered her faith, and has been very passionate about living right ever since. Because of this, she doesn't want to have sex again until she's married. She keeps very strict rules for herself when it comes to physical things, even to the point of having an accountability partner to make sure she doesn't slip. At first, I found the idea slightly extreme, but I understand the sense in it, knowing how seriously she takes her commitment to Jesus.
Rose came to see me yesterday, and it turned out to be a very memorable day, for many reasons. It started in a fairly normal way, and we played a few rounds of Magic: The Gathering, which I hadn't done in a long time. She would pout every time I was winning, but that didn't stop me from finishing the game. After that, we watched Encino Man, enjoying a little 90s nostalgia. We only really paid half-attention to the movie, however. As Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser capered in the background, we started to discuss all of the big, important things in life. We talked my faith, and where I fit into things spiritually. Rose and I share many of the same ideals, but the way I approach things is much different from hers. We also talked about love, and the reasons I feel lonely. I didn't know it at the time, but Rose is excellent at reading people, and she made some incredibly sharp observations, which taught me a lot about myself.
After the movie, Rose offered to cook me dinner, so we picked up some things at the grocery store, and she fixed up a very nice dinner for two. It was slightly disconcerting for me to have someone else in my space, making small messes and using my kitchen things. Rose picked up on this, of course, and reminded me that it was good to get out of my comfort zone every once in a while. Strangely, it seemed a lot like something Number One would have told me.
As we ate, the conversations went on. I think I must have let out every variation of sigh I'm capable of. For example: not knowing what to say, trying not to say something, wanting to say something but not knowing how, etc. In short, I was something of a shy, awkward mess that day. Thankfully, Rose found a certain sweetness in it, so it didn't become a problem. Eventually, the conversation got even more serious than I'd expected. I ended up trusting Rose with a secret from my past that I've only ever told Number One before. Thankfully, she told me one of her own secrets, and it helped me to feel much better about myself. Furthermore, I realized that my thoughts about this event have a lot to do with my sense of self, and might have been a big factor in my sometimes irrational actions when it comes to dating.
After that, emotions were running high, and there were a lot of long hugs given. Soon, we found ourselves whispering to each other, and staring into each other's eyes. We got closer and closer, and I soon found myself as close to kissing her as humanly possible. At the last moment, I turned myself away from her, which surprised even me. I knew how seriously she took things in terms of being physical, and I didn't want to be the one to enable her to break her promises to God. I also realized that if I'd given in, it meant that having a friendship with Rose would be near impossible. We hugged a little longer, but soon, we realized that we had to pull ourselves apart before we got that close again.
To distract ourselves, we put on some music and did the dishes, while we both cooled our hormonal brains off. Afterward, we took a walk and saw a park near my place. They put up a large Christmas display every year, and Rose was very happy to see it, even though it was cold. We walked through the park holding hands, and even though I had a strong feeling about how things would end up, I was okay with it.
After the park, I walked her back to her car. We agreed that dating wouldn't really work between us. Rose has a very big, forceful personality, and she felt that even though we were attracted to each other, she'd end up completely steamrolling over me in a relationship. Also, while we share many of the same views, we're not on the same page when it comes to religion, and she needs someone who believes in the same way to be truly happy. I was a little sad about it, so we held hands and prayed about it before she left.
Rose and I are still talking, but it might be a while before we see each other again, for obvious reasons. I don't feel hurt over this, and I'm very glad it all happened. I understand myself a lot better now, which means I can make better decisions when it comes to dating, and not get myself hurt so much. As I said to Rose, I think it's all part of God's mysterious ways that we ended up meeting each other.
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