Letting Go, Part 1

This isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it
Then it isn't love
And I guess I'll have to learn to live without it
- Counting Crows

Despite the long, emotional business I'm about to get into, I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I wrote a novel over the last month, and I'm quite proud of it.  I'm looking forward to showing little bits to my friends over the coming weeks, and will be using a lot of my time editing and getting the story into shape for a second draft.

The only trouble is there's been this nagging sadness in me for the last while.  It usually comes upon me in the night, during those quiet hours when it's just me and my thoughts in the dark together.  When I sent that last email to Little Red, I said a few angry things when she lashed out at me.  While those feelings came from a true place, it was never my intention to hurt her more than I already had.  I want to make up for that somehow, but every time I think about what I could do, the futility of contacting her again sinks in, and it depresses me.  It doesn't help that Christmas is coming soon.  Christmas is Little Red's favourite time of year, and seeing various displays everywhere constantly reminds me of her, and how I broke her heart.  I'm trying to forget, and distract myself, but some days are much harder than others.
I know what I did to her wasn't right, but I can't change the past.  Maybe it would have just happened in some other way, eventually.  It just kills me to know that someone who I cared about so much thinks I'm a horrible person now, and that there's nothing I can do to change it.
I just wish I could let go of this...