As some of you may have noticed, I haven't posted much about Rose since I first mentioned her here. That's because a whole lot of things happened since I first met her. This is the post that will fill in the gaps.
After our first date, we missed each other terribly. There were numerous emails and emotional chats that went on to all hours of the night, neither one of us really wanting to leave the other. There were even a few times when the subject of the chats got very...interesting. I'll just say they weren't the type of chats you'd want someone to randomly overhear. It was all enjoyable, but we both knew that it wasn't something that was helping the situation at all.
A short while after Christmas, a happy coincidence found both of us free for the day, so Rose came to see me again. Things started out very well, and we chatted and went shopping briefly, and for a little while, we were being friends like we were supposed to be. After that, we picked up some dinner, and watched a movie she'd brought over. It was good, and things were comfortable for a while, but after our stomachs had settled, my mind started to wander, and I moved closer. It didn't take long before we were getting even closer than that. There were a few times when Rose requested that I pull the bed out (I sleep on a fold-out), but I refused, knowing that it would probably lead to more. In retrospect, I probably just should have done it anyway, if only for comfort's sake. As it was, we just cuddled on the floor together for a long time. We talked softly to each other, and she even started to help me figure things out about myself. It was nice, just to lie there with her, all warm and sleepy. Given the choice, that's where I would have ended the night, because we were both happy and comfortable.
Sadly, there was more. Laying together so close for so long got us in the mood again. Rose asked me to pull out the bed again, and this time I agreed. What happened next was awful, but I suppose it had to happen. I made a thoughtless, selfish comment, and it cut Rose deeper than any knife could have done. I still don't really understand why I said what I did, but it was done and I couldn't take it back. She cried and almost left, but I pleaded with her to stay because I didn't want her to leave in tears. We talked about it, and we both cried a bit, and eventually, we realized that as things are, we couldn't really be together. We decided this before, but what happened reinforced it more than ever. I also came to realize that there's a possible selfish streak in me that I hadn't realized, and it's shown in almost all of my relationships thus far. It's something I've been thinking about lately, and I'm trying to figure out how to change myself and be better than I have been.
After that, Rose and I didn't talk for a short while. I was feeling very upset with myself and what I'd done. Thankfully, I received a phone call of support from Number One. She helped put things into perspective for me, and reminded me of all of the ways I've changed and grown in the short time I've been on my own, and it made me feel a lot better about things. I realized that as much as I love Rose (and I do love her - I know what may seem confusing to some of you, but I do) we really couldn't be together. I sent her an email outlining how I felt about everything. This is part of what I said:
"At the moment, my faith is not the same as yours. It's very similar, but it's not the same, and I don't know if it ever will be. It's like you have a good pair of hiking boots, and I have sneakers. I could try climbing a mountain with you, but I would probably slip, and hurt myself where you wouldn't, so the best thing for me is to walk on a different path. It doesn't mean I don't want to walk with you, but as it is, I just can't do that with what I have."
I worried about what she'd think, but she understood perfectly. She'd been worried all that day that I would say something awful, or that Number One had convinced me she was a bad person, but my words put her at ease about everything, and it was a big turning point for us.
Rose and I still miss each other very much, and we are still in the process of getting over each other. It's a very difficult thing to do when you're so attracted to someone else, but you know that a relationship wouldn't work. With time, I think we will be very special friends, but for the time being, Rose and I are going to have to work very hard on it, so that it can happen without our hormones getting in the way. I take comfort in the thought that there's someone out there who fits better with her than me, and that there's a great match for me somewhere out there too. For the time being though, it's nice to think that Rose loves me almost as much as that mystery lady will one day.
ave.
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